Can Someone Check the Mail?

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Today was your typical lazy Saturday.  You know, the kind where if at all humanly possible you don’t want to get out of your pajamas…ever.   The whole family slept in…even the dogs.  Ruby, one of my miniature schnauzers was zonked under my blanket.  She was not curled up in a ball like a normal dog.  She was on her back, like a human…snoring.  It was super sunny outside this morning though, and by 8am I could see bright light coming through my window.  Uggg…I was worried if I did not gather some artificial darkness quickly, I just might have to face the reality of another day- that it was time to get up.

Wait!  I  have a solution for this!  My blue satin eye mask that is embroidered with the words “10 more minutes.”  With my eyes half closed, I swept my hand under my pillow while trying to pretend that it is only 3am.  Feeling, feeling feeling…nothing.  With a huge sigh and my legs still in the bed, I reached over the side of the mattress putting my hands on the floor while I looked under the bed for my beloved eye mask.  At this point I saw it.  Way under the bed.  I could not reach it, and the reality of that fact was bringing the sunlight into focus and breaking my sleep mode.   Thus my sleeping bonanza had ended.

So my coffeepot awaits me, and I await my coffee.  I pour a big cup, grab my phone off the charger and lo and behold I have a text message from my sister.  She said she sent me “a little package” and it should be there at my house today.  Yahoo!  I love packages…especially surprise packages!  However, even with the idea of getting an unexpected special surprise in the mail today, I still did not want to get out of my pajamas.  It was just one of those days.

Far be it from me to have worked this problem out so quickly!  “I have kids”!  “One of them can retrieve my package,” I think to myself,…”it is a perk of motherhood.”  So when I speak of my kids, let me clarify.  I have 3 kids.  My oldest is 22 and lives on her own, so for the purpose of this story she does not count this time.  But…I do have 2 teenagers at home.  Yes, I said teenagers.  So I guess you could say, that changes the whole entire dynamic of any motherhood “perk.”

So let me start with Alonna.  She is 16.  Her room is her shrine, and she rarely comes out.  Except for food.  Let me just add as a sidenote, that she asked for a mini refrigerator for her room for Christmas…and because of all the teenage love and affection I receive from this child (not), I seriously debated on getting her one, but I didn’t.  Anyway, around 2pm I knocked on her bedroom door to ask her if she would go and check the mail for me and get my package.  She opens the door, and guess what?  She is still in her pajamas.  I barely get the request out of my mouth as she is shutting her door while saying in a whiny little voice “I don’t want tooooo….why don’t you go check it.”  I stand there for a minute with my face so close to the door I could lick it.  I am thinking revenge at the moment, and the car she thinks she is getting soon.

Onward to the next child, or should I say teenager.  His name is Adam.  He is 14 and in his room playing on his XBox.  I walk into his room and see visions of hope, as he is up and about and he is dressed.  Immediately he stands up with his controller in his hand, looking at me like I am an alien that just invaded Earth.  Before I could even get a word in edgewise, he walks towards me while firmly saying “Ouuuuut…”  My mind draws a temporary blank in my purpose for standing there.  Then in a wash of irritation I wonder “why did I have kids.”  However, as the alien who is running the ship, I stand my ground and I don’t ask…I tell Adam to go and check the mail for me.  His response is something I have heard before….only this time it was in a half man half woman pubescent voice, and  he says, “why don’t yoooou check it.”

So the battle begins.  I can almost feel myself start to suck my thumb as my adulthood melts away before my very eyes.  Like a stubborn little spoiled alien who is determined to take a prisoner, I decide to park my UFO right on his bed and not move until he checks the mail.  Yes…..that goes well.  Now we have 3 immature stubborn “teens” in the house.  However, I should mention, that of my all my children, Adam would be voted most likely to cut off his nose to spite his own face.  With that said, I realized I could be on that bed for a while.

After saying “Mom get out” about 1000 times, I think he realized I was not going anywhere.  In fact I soon decide to go ahead and lay down on his bed.  Steam started to pour from his ears and nose like Puff the Magic Dragon, as he ponders how to smoke me out from his dungeon.  So he had a brilliant idea!  He decided he will just turn his XBox up real loud to make my life miserable, with the sounds of loud ammunition from the game he had been playing.  Round after round blistered my eardrums, yet I did not let on that it phased me one bit.  Instead I closed my eyes and pretended to snore.

Since the sound of loud guns was not the magic ticket, he had another grand idea.  Turn on some loud rap music.  The boy really knows how to work my nerves, let me tell you.  I just do not like rap, and he knows it.  At this point I am in for the long haul.  Determined.  Energized.  Rap and all, I continue to play like I could sleep through anything.

Whining, gun fire and rap is not working.  A new game plan was being developed as I continued to snore.  Suddenly a pillow comes pounding down on my head.  This sweet little boy who used to pick the neighbors flowers in order to give me a gift, was now methodically beating his own Mother with his pillow.  Why me Lord?  After 50 lashes with a pillow I hear a debate going on from the hallway.  Could it be?  Siblings working together to solve this “problem.”

Adam comes back to his room and announces that I can get out of his room now, because Alonna went to check the mail.  I am thinking “no way, Jose, I want my package first.”  The mail-child arrives and the package is delivered and tossed on the bed like a large ransom.  I collect my package, and reward my son by retreating from his room in victory.  Finally, I sat down on my couch and opened my surprise while still in the comfort of my pajamas.  Thank you Sis.

 

photo (5)                                                               Sweet owl earrings from my sis.

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