Life in Review

rb-woman-bed-alone-1-0809-de-medium_newWhere Did My Life Go?

Have you ever woken up one day and wondered “Where did my life go?” While still in bed, I reflected on this as I debated whether or not I wanted to peel myself from my favorite worn comfy quilt that happens to be missing a few stitches, and face a fresh new day. My thought pattern is wishing it was still 2 a.m. so that without guilt I could go back to sleep after praying for the happiness fairy to sprinkle a little joy on me, and energy, and so many other things. Feeling a bit of “bed lag” from sleeping too long I decided to grace the world with my presence. I would like to say, that I jumped out of bed with a little spring in my step and a smile on my face…but that is just not true.

Begrudgingly I flop one leg off the bed…which is stiff by the way, then the other. Big sigh. I stroll while dragging my feet to the bathroom. If only I did not have to pass that vanity mirror that encompasses the entire wall. The big mirror, with what I call miniature disco ball lights, where in my mind they spin like sirens to announce my arrival. Great. Maybe I won’t turn them on. After all my hair is a morning mess and I have yet to put my face on, and when I do, it will not be in here under these stadium lights, but somewhere else. Like my couch, with a small compact that has a dim light.

“Onward.” I say to myself, out loud. Yes, talking to myself, which has become another little habit I have developed. I will save that story for another day.

I reluctantly take the slightest peek over my shoulder and get a glimpse of “someone” discreetly checking me out. Yes, my eyes are blue, or green depending on what I am wearing. Though even in my big snuggly powder blue robe I could not see the color of my eyes at all. However, I did see that tiny little eye wrinkle. I think they are called laugh lines, and I am still looking for the humor.

So as I face the day, I am still stuck with that question, “Where did my life go?” As a 40 something, I find myself looking to line up my accomplishments. My kids have finally gotten old enough to not rely on me for every little thing. So my newfound free time is certainly opening up new doors for new things that I never really gave much time to. In one respect it is fantastic! On the other hand it is intimidating. Most days I feel like I know nothing about anything. How is that humanly possible? For a brief moment just writing that was actually somewhat therapeutic. I pondered hitting arrow back, back, back then delete button…but decided it is what it is.

I think now is as good a time as any, to admit that I am always dreaming about starting a project. Usually they have to do with inventing something and making millions, however, not always. I simply have one of those minds that harass me constantly to do something…anything. When I have nothing to do I am really not a very happy camper. When I was around 13, I wanted to open a craft store. Yes, even at that age I was pretty crafty, and even sold some things I made. After high school I wanted to be a cosmetologist, and was one for a tiny bit of my life, but decided it really was not for me. Then I dreamed of opening a coffee shop in my mid 20’s. Had a few kids, worked some jobs. I even went to nursing school for a while, but never finished. No wonder my accomplishment list has me down.

So, what do I do? I tell you, as I write this, I want to go back to my old comfy quilt and go back to bed. Well, at least part of me does. The other part of me looks back on my life and thinks, “Wow, I have done a few things, and I am just not finished yet.” So, I think I am going to change my train of thought to “where is my life going?” That sounds a lot more encouraging to my soul. A time of reflecting does not necessarily have to be burdensome. Sometimes just sitting down and sorting out your thoughts and putting your life in to perspective is all that is needed to move forward. So I think I will take some time to reassess my goals, maybe finish some old projects, or develop new ideas. The point is that life is too short to lie in bed and ponder on what could have been, or should have been. Maybe I will buy a new quilt.

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